By The Bug, aged 5¾

"pants"I’m not sure what it is with the women in my house at the moment. It’s like they’ve all got some kind of dementia. I mean, with Mummy you’ve got to expect it – she’s forever forgetting where I left my water bottle, and it’s got to the point where I may as well just put my pants in the wash-basket myself these days – she’s really not on top of things like she once was…

But now my sister has brain fog as well! Daddy says she has her head in the clouds, which I’m fairly sure is a youthism, but I spied her attempting to put her shoes in the bin this week instead of the shoe cupboard. They’re not even in the same room! She claims she has a lot on her plate at the moment; she appears to have developed something called “hayfever” this week, which apparently makes you very grumpy and generally intolerant of others. That’ll be what’s wrong with Mummy then…

Anyway, along with the hayfever GG is cultivating the skill of metaphor in melodrama! Our Grandad was a fan of the melodramatic whenever he perceived an undue lack of attention, and my sister has inherited his ability to ham it up. But all credit to her for her descriptive analogy at the school cake sale this week, after simultaneously purchasing 2 chocolate cakes and 3 second-hand books. Elbowing her way out of the cake-seeking missiles that are Year 6 kids on a vegetable bake day, she panted:

I’ve just escaped being squashed by a whole load of giant gumballs! I’m only a little Smartie!”

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