Judgement – a Life Lesson for those who are judged, and those who judge

Judgement. It's not pretty.

 

A few weeks after my daughter was diagnosed with diabetes she attended a disco. Shell-shocked by the realisation that Type 1 diabetes was not at all what we had thought it was, I was terrified. I had visions of her collapsed in the toilets in a coma caused by low blood sugar, with no-one missing her in the mayhem of 200 sweaty children. My son was in the younger children’s disco and I had to collect him, but I didn’t want to leave my daughter in the queue alone. She was new to this too, and had no idea what to do if something went wrong. The person in charge didn’t get it, and wouldn’t let me take her in. All she saw was an excited girl looking perfectly healthy, and a paranoid mother who she thought was over-reacting. She knew about diabetes and it wasn’t that big a deal.

I was judged that day, and so was my child. And I soon realised that the judgement and perceptions of others is an enormous part of learning to live with diabetes. It’s understandable really, and I think it’s a twofold influence that causes people to make assumptions based on gut, rather than knowledge.

Why people judge

Firstly, the media. How many times are we told that we shouldn’t believe all we read in the newspapers? And yet we do, because it feels comfortable. We’re told it so many times, it must be true, right? No smoke without fire. And that’s the second influence; our own need for reassurance and security convinces us of what to believe. Our desire for self-preservation, and the safety of those we love causes us to make a judgement which is often false.

I’m grateful to diabetes in no way but one. The one lesson it has taught me is never to judge. Because I was a judger just like so many others. And my game has changed. Before, I would have judged people I didn’t know, just to feel better about my own chances.

That young boy who crashed his car before Christmas and died? Probably speeding, maybe had one too many, music was too loud, checking his texts as he drove into a parked van. It could never happen to me or mine, because we’re smart and sensible. But, what if his foot slipped on the pedal, on a wet night; maybe he was blinded by someone with a beam coming the other way; possibly he was newly qualified, nervous, and made a mistake; perhaps he had a sudden brain bleed out of nowhere, like my friend two years ago. Things happen.

The child who can’t be moved if he has an allergic reaction to food, in case he goes into respiratory arrest. Must be a really severe case, practically unheard of, could never happen to me. His parents are probably just neurotic. Or, he could be one of the growing number of people affected by severe food allergies, for reasons as yet unknown. His parents must be beside themselves with fear every day, and sadness that their boy is burdened with such complications while his friends are carefree.

The friend who has a serious medical issue in every single one of her children. Must be something in their genes, could never happen to us, we’re just ordinary people with nothing of significance in our family history. Except it did.

The picture above is not a stock photo. It’s a note fixed with superglue to a friend’s car windscreen. She had parked in a disabled parking bay, for a day at the  beach. Her family look completely normal. And they are. Apart from the Ehlers Danlos syndrome and Scoliosis that affects their mobility, and the PoTS and Pectus Excavatum that interferes with their blood pressure, breathing, and cardiac function. They are also dealing with Type 1 diabetes, and several food allergies, which means a lot of baggage, wherever they go. They have their blue badge for a reason. But on that sunny day, someone chose to judge, rather than to wonder.

We judge because the media tells us to. Diabetes is avoidable (not as true as you might think, and certainly not with Type 1) and not a big deal these days (false, it’s an incredibly complex, and life-threatening condition); the disabled are costing the nation dearly, and half of them are frauds (also not true, according to actual statistics). If you hear something repeated enough times you tend to believe it, even if it’s not true. We judge because we think we know.

We also judge because we need to reassure ourselves that the awful things we hear about are unlikely to happen to us. And they are. But not because of our judgements. They’re statistically unlikely, but often you have just as much chance of it happening to you as the next person. There are things you just can’t avoid, no matter how much organic food you eat, how much sleep you get, or how many times you exercise. Even paragons of virtue get unlucky blows.

The lesson

What I know now is that life is fragile, and we can’t always control our outcomes. There are two things we can control though. The first is how we choose to feel about the judgement of others. I have found that most people are willing to listen, and attempt to learn, if I am given the chance to explain. They will never understand, but I’ve learned to appreciate that they try, and I’m so grateful. Choose to feel supported by those people, choose to include them in your circle a lot, and open up to them when the opportunity arises. Others may not want to learn, and that’s ok too; decide what you like about them, and hang out with them because they’re funny, great with fashion advice, or because they like the same books as you. Occasionally you will come across someone who isn’t interested, thinks they know, and doesn’t get Harry Potter or or over-the-knee socks. Leave them behind and forget about them. Above all, don’t dwell, don’t let it hurt you. It’s not you, it’s them.

The other lesson is empathy. And kids, you both have it in abundance. You have learned resilience, and that’s going to be essential. But you’ve also learned to never underestimate what another person is going through. You may not know how they feel, or understand it, but you know that they are feeling, and you’re there for them. Be that kind of person, and you’ll be universally loved.

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Every now and then I like to write letters to my children, in the vain hope that they might one day browse my blog, as adults, and take some small wisdom from it in their lives. In reality, I know they will learn their own lessons, brushing off any suggestion that I might have been there before them, but if just one small nugget makes it through to the other side and gives them something to think about, it will be worth it. And if not, at least I’ve got it off my chest!

 

56 thoughts on “Judgement – a Life Lesson for those who are judged, and those who judge”

  1. I love this post – it is an absolutely brilliant reminder that life is FAR more complicated than we often remember and things really do happen and are going on in other people’s lives that we can’t possibly know about. I wish you and your gorgeous daughter as easy and as quick a learning curve as possible and I so hope the anxiety drops as you become more accustomed to it all xxx

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  2. I do love this post but honestly don’t be hard on your former self because if there’s one person who I’ve not felt judged by (online) it is you.

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    • Thanks Joy, I just think it’s a normal reaction to make assumptions about others, and we perhaps all need a reminder now and then not to do it. We have no idea what other people are dealing with unless we’ve dealt with exactly the same. I wouldn’t even presume to judge those coping with the same issues as us for doing things differently or getting worse results – everyone is doing the best they can given their own particular set of circumstances x

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  3. What a great post and a reminder to us all – not just your kids! I do try hard not to judge, and I try to teach my children not to – when they make sweeping statements about particular people or groups of people. Sadly it’s in human nature to do it – to fill in the gaps where we don’t understand and to make things appear normal.
    As for that Post-It?! That’s awful!

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    • Exactly that Sarah. And the post-it – it was superglued! Took them ages to get it off their windscreen and ruined a good day for them 🙁

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  4. A thought-provoking post and I think the phrase, ‘Never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes,’ is one we should all learn. I can’t believe that your friend found that horrid note on her windscreen. My mum has also received abuse for using a disabled parking bay even though her disabilities are obvious.

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    • Incredible Izzie. I chatted to someone about this post before I wrote it, and she said that actually the person writing the note probably has anger management issues of his/her own, rather than it being all about the family concerned. Which did make me stop and think. Some people are just rude, but then maybe they have issues of their own..?

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  5. Wholeheartedly agree with this Helen and it’s a lesson I think we all need to have a think about every now and again. Sometimes we verbalise what’s going on in our head, things that perhaps our children shouldn’t hear and I know that I don’t want mine to grow up thinking it’s perfectly natural and ok to judge others before you’ve gained full grasp of the situation. I know however I’m sometimes guilty of doing that very thing. An important post. Thank you.

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  6. Well said. I have been guilty of judging in the last too but do try so hard not to. We never really know what any one else struggles with every day of their life, what heartbreak they are carrying with them or what horrors they have seen.
    What an incredibly hurtful and offensive note to find on your windscreen. I hope your friend burnt it.
    Sx

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    • It’s just easy to make an assumption I think. The last year or so has really made me stop and think about what might be going on in someone’s life before I jump to conclusions x

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  7. I can totally relate to this, my youngest daughter has asthma and I used to be almost dismissive of asthma and its effects, now every time I read something in the news about a child dying from asthma I shudder in disgust at my former preconceptions and judgement and recoil in horror at the fine balance we have.

    I never feel I can articulate how I feel about asthma and how it has made me as a parent feel but I have followed your journey with GG and you do an amazing job of parenting, caring and raising awareness.

    xx

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    • Thanks Donna. Asthma is also a very scary condition sometimes, and the things we read as parents serve to scare us even more. It’s hard when we hear horror stories, not be be affected as a parent, and to try to reassure ourselves.

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  8. this is simply such a brilliant blogpost and so so important. I’m reminded of a blind man who bought a newspaper for his (nonblind) wife and as he walked out the newsagent people were saying things like ‘i knew he could see all along if he can read a paper’ – judging instead of considering that the newspaper could be for someone else. I try so hard these days not to judge – i used to glare at seemingly ‘normal’ people coming out of disabled toilets but after reading about how people with stoma bags need a sink and loo in the same place (which is rare to find in regular loos but is the norm in disabled loos) it really made me realise just how wrong i had been. We see it even now with Miss T – She can run, jump, climb, etc but for long distances she needs a wheelchair because the methotrexate has not yet been fully effective it reducing the pain enough and her foot can only take so much walking. But we get a LOT of stares when people see her jump out the wheelchair and run about as they don’t consider that she can only manage short distances. There is all too often so much going on behind the scenes and so that is shocking to see that note on the car windscreen.

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    • This is so interesting Rebecca! I wouldn’t have thought of stoma bags either with disabled toilets. There is just so much we don’t know unless we’re living with it. It is difficult though, because there are the genuine chancers, who do what they do for an easy life, to the detriment of others who need to use disability services. I think kindness, and an open mind, is the best we can do really, and show by example. Thanks for commenting.

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  9. Great post Helen and those words bounced around my head and caused my heart to race. As you know my girls have health issues and right now we are struggling and I can’t even get the words to come onto paper. I have also been judged many times including parking in disabled spaces with my blue badge on display – I have actually had someone accuse me of using the badge from someone else – probably a grandparent because of course the assumption that a young child cannot be disabled is too common.

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  10. Helen, I could not agree more. As you know I’m type 1 too since I was a child and sadly, people judge when they hear you are a diabetic. Now I’m in my 40s, its my fault. I’ve caused it. There is so little awareness of type 1. So many people think diabetes has been caused by something I have done. I now rarely tell people as I am sick of being judged. I so hope this attitude has changed by the time your daughter reaches my age.

    Having given a duff set of genes I also have rheumatoid arthritis, crohn’s disease and Fibromyalgia. All hidden illnesses. I am judged so often that I don’t discuss this often. People don’t see me when I’m really ill and look like I have something medically wrong. People only see me on good days, they never see the painkillers I take to be able to get out of bed in a morning. They see the false smile as I grit my teeth to get through my day.

    Too many times people just see what they want to see and with so many invisible illnesses out there a large proportion of society doesn’t see what goes on behind closed doors. Like you I’m bringing my children up not to judge, not to assume and be sympathetic to others battles. That is all we can do.

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    • We’re lucky for now Candace, that the stigma allocated (often falsely, as I’ve learned – I mean, who actually asks for this disease, and once they have it, it’s hard enough to deal with, without feeling constantly under pressure to justify yourself, but that’s another subject!) to type 2 diabetes hasn’t hit us, and won’t whilst she’s still a child. That’s why I feel the need to educate so strongly. I can’t imagine having to deal with the looks of blame you must get as you age with diabetes, and the pressure to justify every mouthful. But even as a child, though people mostly know that there’s a difference, they underestimate massively the impact it has on life, and the seriousness of it. I can’t tell you how many times people have raised eyebrows at her on discovering that she’s running high, asking her what she’s eaten to cause it. It’s just awful for a child, especially one who controls what she eats very very carefully, and tried her hardest to avoid fluctuations. No child should have to be under that amount of pressure, and yet they all are. It’s a wonder they manage to keep their tempers with people! I hate that you have to hide it from people too – that could be so dangerous and as a parent I always tell her that people need to know, just in case she needs help one day. But I understand why you do, totally.

      As you say, there are so so many conditions that people just don’t know about, and we always assume others have an easier life than us, until we know otherwise. Because who wants to bang on about their health conditions and drag everyone down? And yet, it is so helpful to offload the burden of what you’re dealing with occasionally – maybe that’s why so many people blog. Rather like mental health, it would be so good to get things constructively out in the open, so that fewer people feel judged for what they’re dealing with.

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  11. Great post Helen. We all carry around invisible challenges to some degree and you have summed up really eloquently how ignorant and inconsiderate some people can be. We do need to be kind to ourselves and each other. xxx

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  12. I have unfortunately seen just how hard a condition Diabetes is to manage and cannot image the strain and worry that you endure daily.

    One thing I have learned as I have grown older is definitely not to judge as you never know what struggles other people are facing. xx

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    • We really can never know Emma. Even that lady who was so awful to me possibly has things going on in her life which make her behave like that. Trying to be understanding is the only thing we can do; and moving on when that isn’t possible.

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  13. I’ve thought about this such a lot recently as our local Facebook group is full of people calling other people out on parking in disabled bays and similar things and I just hate it. In this day and age it really is incredibly hard not to judge other people, I fight with myself constantly. I always try to take a step back of my initial thoughts nowadays and I hope I can teach my kids to do the same x

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    • Yes that often kicks off in our local mums facebook too and people get so angry with each other over it. It’s difficult, because of course, there are cheaters, and they need to be called out, otherwise the world would be a worse place. But people are so quick to jump to conclusions rather than asking. So much anger in the world too!

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  14. What a wonderful post! And you’re so right – the world is so judgemental – we’re ALL judgemental. I try more and more not to be these days. I heard a great quote once: “Everyone is doing the best job they can with the cards they’ve been dealt in life”. We never know what’s going on in peoples lives or what the history is behind certain actions and we can never judge. I’ve never felt more judged than since becoming a parent and now try to live by the mantra that things will only affect me if I let them. I’ve told you before but I think you’re incredible for how you’ve coped since GG’s diagnosis and I hope one day she’s justifiably proud of her phenomenal mum when she reads all these posts xx

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    • Ah thanks Katy. She is at the moment, but then she hasn’t hit the teenage years yet 😉 Hopefully she’ll come back to me once we’ve weathered those, and in the meantime I’m making the most of her! It’s awful how parents judge each other isn’t it? I even had opinions on parents of other children with diabetes for a while, until I fully understood quite how individual a condition it is. And just how much pressure it puts on families. And as every family is different, they can only do what they can do, as you say, with the cards they have on their table. Everyone ultimately is just trying to live a good life (apart from the odd few). I’m so glad I’ve learned this lesson x

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  15. Powerful post, and a good reminder that things are not always as they seem and that there’s no way we can ever really know what’s going on with other people unless we show a little compassion and understanding.

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  16. Cracking post Helen – I am always the harrassed mum lingering in the classroom whilst other mothers wonder what the hell I need to discuss now.

    Most conditions are invisible – learning not to judge is a life skill.

    xxx

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    • You’re right, people don’t generally bang on about their issues because they’re trying to live as normal a life as they can, without others thinking badly of them. That thing about being in the classroom stresses me out so much. Before diabetes the teachers would never have known who I was. I was so not that parent that needs to talk to the teacher every day. I hate having to be that person now.

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  17. Oh that’s horrible. Sometimes I lose faith in human beings but I like to think the majority at least are good natured. That poor family though and a good reminder for everyone not to be too quick to judge.

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  18. I am so fed up of judgment and people wanting to have an opinion on everyone else’s life. It is really important that we just take some time to remember we have no idea what is going on in someone else’s life and just try to think the best. Mich x

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  19. Much as I often object to random quotes on social media, I always like this one:
    ‘everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always’
    I think it just about sums up your post. We are quick to judge when we should be kind.
    My daughter has recently been diagnosed with a serious kidney condition and is only at school part time. On a good day, there is nothing about her appearance to suggest she is ill and imagine people who see her out of school wonder why a 10 year old is not in class.
    I think an insider’s perspective does change your view towards others; a bit more empathy in the world can only be a good thing. X

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    • Well precisely. Of course we should challenge those who we perceive to be taking advantage of something unfairly. Of course we should. But it makes sense to try to understand why people behave as they do, before we decide they are chancers, I think. Sorry to hear about your daughter Helena, I hope she is doing well.

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  20. I have been totally guilty of judging others in the past and I am sure people have judged me too, I guess it is natural. I have seen the other side now – my Godson has terrible allergies and some think his mum is neurotic but the simple fact is that anything with nuts or eggs in can kill him and it’s scary stuff

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  21. I have been judged so many times and it has taught me to never be so judgemental. I totally agree with this and want to raise my boys to be understanding of others and look past the obvious. I want to teach them empathy without them having to experience these things. It is a really hard concept for kids. Plus I try to model the not judge thing, as in reality behaviour breeds behaviour

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  22. I love this post Helen!

    I think it’s in our nature to judge people and it’s something I try really hard not to do and to make sure that the kids learn not to do as well. I think we have stereotypes in our head for groups of people and it can be easy to make sweeping judgements based on very little knowledge at all.

    😉

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  23. Wonderful post, thought-provking and so very true. As for that note, I cannot believe anyone could do such a thing – terrible!

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  24. We are always so quick to judge others, I’m never really quite sure why we do it. We judge the people we walk past on the street, the people we see accessing benefits etc but we have no idea of their backstory, so what right do we have to judge?

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  25. You’re right, none of can truly know or understand what someone else is going through, and it’s really important not to make assumptions about people. I’m sad for your friend who had the note stuck to her windscreen.

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  26. I admire your friend’s attitude that the note was left more because of the writer’s own issues than the family’s. We often overlook other people’s motives when our feelings have been hurt. It’s something I’m forever saying to my children. You never can be sure of anyone’s back story.

    Last week, I was waiting for a parking space outside the sports centre. A nippy car whizzed past me and parked. At first I wondered how he had spotted a space, and realised it was a disabled space. Fine. Then a youngish man jumped out and sprang for the centre’s door. Maybe he had a blue badge or not, but something tells me that at that moment he had his own emergency. I wasn’t going to judge.

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    • That’s such a great take. Who knows what his emergency was – perhaps he was chancing things, maybe he was late picking up a child from the creche, or maybe he really needed to make a call for an emergency. Always worth finding out before making the assumption.

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  27. The note on your friend’s car window is shocking. My Grandma had to put up with similar things for a lot of her life. She has MS, the remissive kind rather than chronic progressive, but she was registered disabled as she had lots of health needs. The most apparent thing on a day to day basis was a very weak bladder, but she sometimes had stick from people when she used the disabled loos.

    This is a great post to write to your children. I’m sure they’ll appreciate your words when they’re old enough.

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    • Aargh! And when you’re already dealing with something so much more tough than the average life. It takes incredible strength to rise above the judgements and not retaliate with bitterness. And yet you have to, as well as rising to the challenge of your health problems. I’m sorry for your Grandma, she sounds like a strong lady x

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  28. I think it’s always important to remember not to judge people and try and give them the benefit of doubt and always try and be positive. we never really know what is happening in another person’s life or reasons which has attributed to people actions. Being kind is number one on my list and this post i a good reminder to that. x

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  29. Brilliant post – think I’ve said before that a little less judginess in life would be great 🙂 Similar case with autism, and how I have changed since our girl was diagnosed too – for a lot of people the lack of knowledge and understanding, and portrayal of anything by the media, is all they have. I don’t judge them for that, but I do like to try and educate – in a non-high horse kind of way! I’ve also grown a thicker skin over the last 6 years, but some comments still get through of course. Would like to say I can’t believe that about the car note and the glue – but of course I can. Wish I could have caught them doing it and given a few home truths 🙂 x

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  30. I think we’re all guilty of judging. Some judging is accurate though if we have all the evidence 😉 I like to remind my children to always try to look at things from different angles, to try and understand why something/someone is that way.
    I did’t know much about Diabetes 1 and ignorantly thought it was something to do with blood sugar and that’s all. But I recently watched a programme about a man with serious conditions brought on by diabetes and it shocked me. It’s horrible, no wonder you want to protect your little girl. As for the note, how awful… some people really have too much time on their hands…. watching people get out of cars who parked in a disabled bay, I mean get a life hehe! xx

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  31. Love how you’re put this in an easy uncomplicated way
    I’d say we’re all guilty of judgements but awareness makes me think twice about how I deal with others
    Such a complex issue the older I get the better I’ve got at keeping an open mind

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  32. Brilliant post and so very true; it is easy to fall into the habit of believing what we read or absorbing the opinions of others around us but sometimes we need to take stock and actually wonder if what we think is true, really is. Definite food for thought.

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  33. great post helen I get judged a lot as i dont look disabled wither but if i use an accessible toilet or say i cant attend something oh my the judgements rain down .

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    • It’s so unfair, and really annoying to have to explain yourself at every turn I’d imagine. I know a lot of adult diabetics keep it to themselves because they hate the judgement, or the having to explain it. But then they have to put up with the looks, and the tuts. So frustrating, there’s no easy solution is there?

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