I see it every summer: exam stress takes over as our teenagers sit A-Levels, GCSE’s and mocks. The internet is flooded with tips on how to cope with exam stress – and rightly so. Exams are tough and teenagers need all the support they can get! But what about the parents? Where’s the advice for parents on how to cope with exam stress? Because – let me tell you – us parents feel it too, and there’s nothing out there for us on how to make this intense period feel easier.
How to support your teenager during exam season
Most of the advice centres on how parents can help their children manage their stress levels when they’re going through exam season. So instead of repeating it here, I’ll just summarise: feed them, make them drink water, ensure they take some breaks for daylight and exercise, that they’re getting some sleep, and that they have a quiet space to work. Be as available as you can when they want to offload on you. And try to limit your input to listening – they rarely want our advice.
How to stay sane while your teenager is taking exams
Now to the really important bit: your own stress levels. What all the well-intentioned advice on the internet fails to take into account is that exam season is really stressful for parents too. Here’s why:
- First, we see the pressure our kids are under and worry about their capacity to manage.
- Next, it’s not just our teenagers who worry about whether they’re going to make the grade. We also have a vested interest in them getting the exam results they need for their next step, be it sixth form, college, university or a job or apprenticeship. The even bigger problem is that we have even less control over the outcome than they do.
- We also feel their stress, on their behalf.
Codependency as a parent
What do I mean by number 3? There’s a saying in parenting circles that you’re only as happy as your least happy child. When your child is going through something tough, you naturally feel upset and anxious about that. You worry about their outcomes. You want to fix things for them, and you only relax when everything is back to a more manageable level.
But you also feel the the pain that they’re feeling. As a mother, I’ve often felt this urgent need to protect not only my children’s safety, but their feelings. I empathise with their distress to such an extent that I feel how I imagine they feel – as well as feeling my own anxiety over their situation. It’s a double whammy, and it’s called codependency. It also doesn’t have to be like this.
Essentially, being in a codependent relationship with your child means that you only feel happy when they are happy. In most relationships, codependency would mean you’re less likely to get what you need, and it holds you back. It’s something that can be worked on, so that both individuals take responsibility for themselves and are able to grow, irrespective of any difficulties they may be supporting each other with.
But with our children, it can be really difficult to prevent, precisely because they were so dependent on us – both physically and emotionally – from day one.
How to separate your teenager’s emotions from your own
When you think about it, isn’t this the ultimate goal? Don’t we all want our children to individuate, to be able to take care of themselves, so that they can live independent lives. I’m betting most of you are nodding, but you’re also not sure how to achieve it. Either they’re constantly needing you to fix things for them, or you’re constantly worried whether they’re okay or not – especially when they’re shut in their bedrooms being monosyllabic during exam season.
Exam season is the perfect time to practice separating your own emotions from your teenager’s. Here’s what you need to do:
Notice what’s stressful for them versus what’s stressful for you
For example, they might be worried about not getting the A they need for university, or about not passing maths and being able to move on to sixth form. That’s stressful, but it’s their stress to deal with. You can help them by asking what they’re doing to give themselves the best chance, reminding them to do it, and giving them a break from chores so they have more time to do it.
You, meanwhile, are stressed that they’re worrying instead of revising, anxious that they won’t get the outcome they want and sad for them that they’re having to go through this.
Ask yourself what you can do about it
If it’s nothing, it’s not worth worrying about. Now, I get that this is easier said than done, but if the control sits with your child and there’s genuinely nothing you can do, don’t let your anxieties take you down. Tell yourself that this is their situation to manage and that you’ll be there to help them if things go wrong, and then go back to the original list: food, water, a quiet space, a listening ear.
Don’t try to solve their problems for them
At best, you’ll annoy them for what they see as interfering and not understanding; at worst, you’re robbing them of an opportunity to learn about what works for them, and what doesn’t. You’re much better off letting them throw all their worries at you and staying as calm as possible. Let them use you as a sounding board so they can work things out for themselves. Then pick yourself up, take a deep breath, focus on what you need.
Look after your own emotions
This is the hardest part. When teenagers do talk to us about exam stress, they invariably just want to dump all their feelings out of their systems. They’ll feel better as a result, but where does that leave you? Holding all of the stress.
At this point, it’s crucial that you put that bag of emotions down. Try not to carry it around by ruminating on it while you make dinner, catastrophising while you’re at work, or getting distracted while you’re trying to read a bedtime story to your youngest child.
Instead, take a moment to notice what you’re feeling and what you need. It may be a hug with your partner, a really hot cup of tea, a walk in the sunshine, or a chat with a friend who’s going through similar. Whatever it is, you need to do something that feels counterintuitive when your teenager is going through exam stress – put your own mask on first. In other words, prioritise yourself.
Let them have their feelings
Just as you need to be allowed to feel what you feel, and meet your own needs, so does your teenager. It’s awful to watch your child feeling sad, frustrated or anxious, but these are their feelings, not ours, and they need to learn that they can tolerate them. The more we leap in to try and fix things – maybe second guessing the exam to reassure them, insisting that “it will all be fine”, or distracting them with sweet treats – the less they have a chance to find their own way through difficult emotions.
Don’t try to fix it for them
As well as not letting them figure out that they can manage their own feelings, attempting to fix their anxieties is likely to land badly. Have you ever met a teenager who thinks that his mum or dad’s answer to a problem is the best one? Exactly. Offer an ear, but not a solution.
Distract yourself
When exam stress is driving you up the wall and you feel desperate to step in and prevent it, or you’re craving the numbing feeling of a glass of wine, do something else. Go for a walk, stick Madonna on your music app and dance round the kitchen, do some colouring. Whatever you enjoy, or whatever gets you out of the house for twenty minutes, it will likely be enough distraction to dissipate the worst of the stress and help you get things in perspective.
Give yourself time
I really do get it – sitting with your own anxiety over your teenager’s exam stress can feel unbearable at times. But you can bear it, and the less you fight it, the more you’ll be able to tolerate it. If that feels like too big an ask, do it in small increments. Wait five minutes before you panic (or before you scoop them up and feed them a pint of ice cream). The next time, wait 10 minutes, then half an hour, and so on. Eventually, you’ll be able to feel anxious and know that it will pass eventually, without you doing anything.
Trust yourself
If all this advice sounds impossible (because a stressed teenager is difficult to ignore, or because you’ve swallowed the myth that it’s your job to worry forever now you’ve had the audacity to have a child), take a leap of faith and trust yourself. You raised your child to this age without ever knowing how (unless you were a nanny before you were a parent). And you did okay, didn’t you? You’re child has survived this far, and that’s largely a result of you winging it until you figured it out.
You can do the same now. It’s time to let your teenager take responsibility for some of their own outcomes. Try and trust that you’ve raised them well enough to get it right most of the time, to know what to do when things don’t go as planned, and to ask for help when they’re really stuck. There’s not much that’s unfixable with a bit of support, so maybe let your teenager take hold of the reins a bit. The likelihood is they’ll be fine, and you’ll realise that they don’t need you as much as you thought they did. Which will be handy when they tell you they want to go to university…