Everyone is talking about 13 Reasons Why. Have you seen it? Have you deliberately avoided it, not wanting to go to that place where your child is 17 and no longer tells you anything? Has your 12 year old seen it? Did you ban her from watching it?
13 Reasons Why – the take-home message for parents
If you don’t know what I’m talking about here, chances are you don’t have a child somewhere between the ages of 11 and 18. 13 Reasons is the Netflix drama about a girl who commits suicide, and the 13 tapes she records to explain to her school friends why she did it. It’s not pretty. These friends all played a part – in her view – in her decision to end her life.
As parents we worry about the things which ruined our own friends lives when we were young. Failing exams, alcohol, that girl who got pregnant at 14. We worry about the things we don’t understand, because we never went through it: social media bullying, sexting, drugs (well okay, that may just be me – I’m so old I was never even offered drugs as a teenager. Although I was once asked if I had any, as my eyes glazed over with boredom at 3am in the Ministry of Sound). I wrote recently that statistics for teenage pregnancy, alcohol and drug-taking are at an all-time low, so we’re all good, right?
Well, not as much as you’d think. What makes 13 Reasons such uncomfortable viewing for parents is that the events leading to her decision are things you could totally imagine forming part of your child’s experiences as she goes through her teenage years. Yes, there is rape. But there is also a lot of the mundane crappiness that happens – probably in the vast majority of secondary schools – that we all hope our kids will be able to weather. And it’s not just Hannah who has a bad time of it in school. All of her friends are struggling at various points. Boyfriend issues, problems at home, friendship betrayals, some drug-taking and sexual experimentation that doesn’t end well, and self-confidence crises. All things we might hope will never blot the landscape of our kids through their teenage years, but that in reality probably will.
Should you let your child watch 13 Reasons Why?
My 12 year old daughter was the first person to tell me about 13 Reasons. People at school were watching it, and she was interested. I talked to other mums about it and the general feeling was that whilst suicide is a difficult subject, it might be better to support conversations with our young teens about it whilst they were interested, and could seek guidance from their parents. So I was minded to allow it. Then I heard about the rape scene. I mentioned it to my daughter, and told her that I thought she was probably too young to be able to put that into context and cope with her feelings over it. So she shouldn’t watch it. It was too late. She was already on episode 10.
In that instant I had confirmed to me what I think I already realised: our kids know a lot more than we think they do; they’ve seen more than we want them to see already; and we have no control over the conversations they’re having with their peers. Kids are experts at avoiding telling their parents the things they think we don’t want to hear. They’re also very clever about getting what they want, if they feel the need. You can ban it, but if your child wants to do it enough, he will find a way. The overwhelming dread I got from watching the series was just how much those teenagers were able to hide from their parents, and quite how little they confided in them.
Why we should be more open about teenage suicide
It’s normal for teenagers to shut their parents out. It’s normal for parents to worry. And in reality, the vast majority of our kids are going to make it through okay. They are going to take some knocks, and that will have an effect on their personality, and their choices through life, but that’s how it should be. None of us are born the person we end up being. It’s a process. But even one death is one too many, and by refusing to talk about it, we’re telling our kids they’ve got to handle their problems on their own.
We tend not to worry about the unthinkable. Suicide seems so extreme, it could never happen to our own kids. And yet teenage suicide is on the increase. It’s the biggest killer of young people under the age of 35 in the UK. On average, four young people end their own lives every day.* It’s actually happening, so it absolutely has to be a topic for discussion with our kids, right up there with avoiding pregnancy, STD’s, bullying and drugs. And we need to have these conversations when our kids want to talk about it – not when we think they’re ready. Or we may be too late.
If you are considering suicide please read Jenny’s blog post on the subject. There are lots of thoughts there, and some resources that may help. I also like this post 13 Reasons Why Not.
*Statistics taken from the OLLIE Foundation.
Pin for Later
I think you are right that we need to be having conversations about teen suicide with our youngsters and this programme and news items prompt these, but personally I don’t think any child needs to see the end suicide scene in 13 reasons, have you seen it? You can never unsee that image and to do it so realistically on a programme goes against all the best advise. Why would you want your child know how to best slit their wrists? Do you know what i mean? Mich x
I do, totally. And I had to stop watching that scene. Although I’m told it’s graphic for a reason, and that’s to make sure that kids aren’t romanticising it, but seeing it for what it is – a terrifying experience. Maddie won’t watch it because she’s heard it’s too real, and I think that’s ok. But I do think the issues it raises are out there on the borders of all our kids experiences, to a greater or lesser degree, so having it out in the open, with adults as aware as kids, and open to discussing it, is crucial.
Is it ok for M and O?
Sooo, I might wait till they’re at secondary – unless they’re already asking about it? If they are, then I’d say watch it with them. Or watch it first then decide. It’s very uncomfortable watching, but I think that’s the whole point. The rape scenes are not violent, but they are very uncomfortable to see. And I’d watch the final episode yourself before your kids see it. Maddie hasn’t watched that (or that’s what she tells me). She’d heard it was very graphic so she didn’t want to see it. And it is. I had to look away. BUT – I do think if they are asking about it, they should see it, and so should you while they’re young enough to still be interested in what you have to say. Otherwise the risk is they watch it in secret and make all their opinions based on what their friends are saying about it. Which is uncontrolled, and sometimes out of proportion – the gossip is usually a lot more hysterical than the truth, as you well know. I think it’s a subject that needs to be tackled, but with adult input, and not something they should be making mountains out of on their own if that makes sense. I think that would be more dangerous than them seeing it and being able to talk to you about it.
Ive not heard of this but my children are too young thankfully.
I do think it’s important to talk to out children about these subjects but I’m not convinced I’d let them watch this.
It’s difficult – on some things I’d lay down the law, but with something like this, it’s impossible to control what they see when they’re not with you. So much as I advised her not to watch it, I knew that I needed to prepare her for it in case she did.
My daughter asked me to order the book in our local library after she had heard about the Netflix show. I hadn’t heard about it until then. It’s definitely important to keep an open dialogue with our kids, even these hard things which are very uncomfortable. Thanks for sharing your views too, it’s comforting to hear when other parents are tackling things as you are.
Ah have you read the book Nadine? I wonder if it’s more or less explicit than the film. I remember thinking I wouldn’t let the kids watch the Hunger Games after I read the books, but the film version is much less graphic.
This is a great blog. As someone who’s parents avoided having awkward conversations I guess they kind of knew I already knew a lot but talking it out is alwaways good
I was the same. My parents didn’t want to discuss anything like this with me, so I found it all out by accident, and not always in the best circumstances.
My children are still very young, but I did watch the series myself and I personally found it very uncomfortable viewing in parts, but you are right a lot of the things in the series are happening to teenagers and are things that need to be discussed and brought to the forefront of conversation.
Yes I struggled – couldn’t watch the final episode fully. My problem as a parent is that they all have so much access to things we might not want them to see or discuss, when they’re not with us. So although I don’t really want to talk about this kind of thing with her, I feel doing so at home is the wisest choice. At least that way I know what information she’s getting, and it’s not wholly influenced by other kids’ perceptions, who may not be getting that kind of parental guidance.
It is really difficult for me to put this conversation into perspective as my Daughter is just Five, and a very young one at that. I am aware that girls are maturing quicker these days and the thought of having such adult conversations really make me feel nervous!
However, like you said – they will find a way to watch it and the best place to do that is at home with parents. I am all for spreading awareness as my niece who is just 18 tried to take her own life last year. I support a charity called Hectors House. The lack of support/aftercare for teenagers suffering is terrible so for me this charity is a breath of fresh air.
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry to hear that. It really is such a tricky time growing up. I remember feeling the same as you at that age, that I never wanted her to grow up. It’s actually a strange feeling when you realise that they are. A mix of a sinking alarm, with pride at the men and women they are turning into. So tough as a parent though to know when to intervene, and when to back off. Really hope your niece gets the support she needs.
I watched it with my husband and he said at the end he couldn’t imagine watching the suicide scene with children. It’s very difficult. I can see how watching it might encourage children to talk to parents if they are having problems or see the horror of the aftermath left behind, but I’d also be worried about the romanticising of it. I found it very painful to watch, but partly because of my own struggles at that age. x
I think though, that it points out that most teens go through the mill a bit with their own emotions. It certainly put some of my own memories into perspective from my school years. I wonder if bringing it out into the open will make the whole subject easier to talk about, and normalise, if that’s not a bad word for it. It shouldn’t be dismissed as normal, but it is normal, and the only way to change it is to talk about it and change how everyone feels about it. I know my own daughter feels inferior to others, but I also know that those other girls are only saying some of the things they say, because they feel insecure themselves, and want to elevate their position in their friendship group. Explaining that to my daughter does sometimes strike a chord, so that she dwells less on how she might feel excluded, and has compassion for those who might be trying to put on a good show to cover up their own feelings. I just want to shake them all sometimes – they’re all great kids, I hate that they feel they have so much to prove with each other. But it has been the way for centuries, I know. Not sure we can ever change it, just have to help them through it.
I don’t think this is one that I would let my daughter watch, thank you for discussing the issues around this.
I’ve been watching this show and it’s not as controversial, I feel, as social media has portrayed. A very thought provoking series.
I haven’t actually seen much on social media about it but I can imagine the hype. What really struck me was that most of what was upsetting her was really common stuff that is happening to a lot of kids, and happened to us as well. Which is not to say it’s right, but because it’s so common, I wanted to be up front with my daughter and let her know that she’s not on her own with her feelings about problems. SUCH a difficult stage of life, isn’t it?!
I watched it and felt rather depressed for weeks after and I’d felt that way in a very long time. It really affected me and I’m not sure I’m recommend it to anyone who has a childhood or teenage past that still feels painful as it can bring up a lot of emotions.
That’s a good point Kirsty. Yes it all made me very uncomfortable. I just wanted my daughter to know that a lot of people feel bad about things at school, and that she should talk to me. They’re all so good at hiding how they really feel, and saying whatever it takes to impress their friends – it’s upsetting sometimes.
I have seen this advertised but I have to admit I don’t want to watch it myself and I don’t think my teen would be interested either. My younger ones are too young at the moment, but I may consider watching it when they are older
Gosh, I hadn’t heard of this at all. Maybe not on our radar just yet as our daughter is 11. Scary stuff and food for thought. I thought it was fabulously written Helen. I was interested to reads peoples comments too. Thank you for joining us at #tweensteensbeyond
I think it’s a secondary school thing, and possibly connected with access to social media. It’s a hashtag on instagram sadly 🙁 Secondary is a whole big ramp up in the parenting/growing up stakes.
My children aren’t in secondary school yet, but I watched 13 Reasons Why myself on my sisters recommendation. The whole show was so heart breaking, with some parts being extremely shocking. It was one of those shows I couldn’t get out of my head for a long while after, you know that “weird” feeling after you’ve watched something shocking or deep? It’s definitely got me thinking about my own children’s upcoming teen years.
You’re 100% right in saying we have to talk to our kids about this issue, and I’m glad this show has opened up that topic for so many parents and teens.
I know what you mean. I dwelled on it for a long time afterwards too. But I guess that’s the whole point, that it’s thought-provoking, and makes you think hard about real life issues. It certainly didn’t glamourise it, which I’m glad for. No one got out unscathed from that mess. I actually hope that it makes kids realise that the effects of what they say and do to each other at school can be much more damaging than they’d imagine.
Hi Helen so lovely to have you with us. This is such a topical and divisive subject. I have read a few posts on this over the year. It is being talked about a lot at the moment in the teen environment and we had an email from both our teens’ schools advising us not to allow our children to watch it. I however hadn’t realised that my daughter had the book until I was chatting to her about the show. She hadn’t read it at that point but had been bought it by a friend so I removed it.
I am a strong believer in talking and having open conversations with my teens about anything they wish to discuss. Suicide has been tackled around our dining table as a very dear friend of my husband’s took her life a few years ago after battling depression. We discussed it but we didn’t try to get them to make sense of it because we couldn’t either. Suicide is the route of the desperate, the mentally ill. Through positive supportive parenting I hope that it will never be a part of my teens’ vocabulary and cannot comprehend why it would be seen as a worthy material for a teenage book/series. 13 is a young, impressionable age and it is in my humble opinion irresponsible.
Thanks for linking with #TweensTeensBeyond
It’s so hard though, isn’t it? The series does come with an age advisory restriction, and the most disturbing episodes are prefaced with a warning. But if teenagers with their own devices have it on their agenda, they’re going to find a way to see it/read it. I would say the majority of the kids in my daughter’s year have either seen it in part, or read the book, before parents were even aware of it. That’s what worries me. And that’s why I chose to be non-judgemental about my daughter watching it – so that I could be a part of the conversation with her and guide her. Growing up is so bloody difficult!
This was really interesting Helen, I’ve got a draft blog post about this myself somewhere, I must dig it out. All 3 of my daughters aged 19, 15 and 12 have watched it and I watched it with my 15 and 12 year olds. I am no expert in this area but I had major concerns that it made suicide look attractive and I did worry about what my girls were taking away from watching it. We had a few chats about it and whilst treading very carefully not to turn it into a ‘life lesson’ which is a complete no no, I think I’m happy that no damage was done. Interestingly, they had no patience whatsoever with main character who they found quite self-pitying and selfish. Make of that what you will! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond
We have almost finished watching this and at times, it’s been harrowing viewing! My little girl is five and I can’t imagine having to have these conversations with her in the future but it’s definitely something that should be spoken of more! x
I think it really depends on the kid. For some, it may put the idea of suicide in their head for the first time, for others it may be a wake up call to ask for help. What I don’t understand is how it starts any dialogue when the kids are watching the show by themselves. They are not talking about it with their parents. If they just talk about it with their friends, that may exaggerate the problem.