When you have a teenager with anxiety, it can feel overwhelming. When your teenager has panic attacks, it can be even more tempting to panic yourself. I think the hardest thing for a parent is to know how to support their child whilst taking care of their own emotions. After all, you can’t help your child if you’re not in a good place yourself. I’ve heard the phrase “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child” many times before and I don’t like it. We cannot fix our kids, and it’s important that we stay in a good place while we support them.
That said, when you have a teenager with panic attacks they definitely need your help to access support. If you’d like support for yourself as you navigate your teenager’s anxiety, get in touch to talk about coaching or to book a counselling session with me.
What it’s like to have a panic attack
Evan Transue started suffering with panic attacks at the age of 5. He had no family history of trauma, and due to his seemingly great life, his panic attacks went misdiagnosed for over 10 years. During this time, he developed other mental health conditions, and eventually turned to substances to numb the pain. Eventually he was diagnosed with panic disorder, and had an aha moment that changed his life.
Listen to the podcast on panic attacks
We talk about what panic attacks feel like, how they can lead to depression, and how parents can help support teenagers as they learn to deal with them. Evan now hasn’t had a panic attack in 10 years.
Who is Evan Transue?
Evan is the host of The Health Detective Podcast and owner of Bucks County Light Therapy and Functional Medicine Center. He graduated from Functional Diagnostic Nutrition (FDN) in 2017. Prior to finding FDN he and his mother had suffered with a variety of health challenges for over a decade. The FDN system transformed his and his mom’s lives so profoundly that all of his work is now centered around spreading its teachings. Evan speaks professionally to middle and high school students about mental health challenges and to date has spoken to 50,000 students.
Podcast transcript episode 105
Helen Wills
Evan, welcome to Teenage Kicks. It’s great to have you here.
Evan Transue
Yeah, thanks for having me. I was telling you before we started recording, this could not be a more perfect type of podcast for me and what I like to help people with. So I’m excited for the conversation.
Helen Wills
Oh, that’s so good, because I mean, yeah, basically, um anyone that’s finding Teenage Kicks for the very first time, we talk about things that teenagers quite often go through. I nearly said typically, but there is no such thing as typical.
Helen Wills
It’s just that probably the issue you’re experiencing with your own teenager is not something that is only your problem. It’s common to a lot of people. It’s just that you don’t know it because parents of teenagers don’t talk about their children’s problems once their children can find that stuff online.
Evan Transue
If you.
Helen Wills
Um, so it suddenly becomes quite an isolating place being the parent of a teenager if there’s some kind of issue going on that is worrying you. Um Evan, we’re going to talk to you today about anxiety. And we’ve talked a lot about anxiety on the podcast, um, but we haven’t actually talked about panic attacks specifically, and that’s what you’re here to tell us about, right?
Evan Transue
Sure. Yeah. That’s, uh, it’s real stuff. So to get to explain that to someone, especially if I have the privilege of getting to do it for the first time, it takes an experience that seems almost unreal if you’ve never dealt with it and we can definitely, uh, show the reality of it.
Helen Wills
Yeah now, as I understand it, your first panic attacks were aged five and I normally dive in by asking about your teenage years but if it’s all right with you I’m going to start right back there at age five and get you to tell us, well, we’ll get to teenagers but maybe you can tell me what happened.
Evan Transue
Sure. Yeah.
Evan Transue
So that is, uh, when the panic attack started. The first one that I can remember, I was on a school bus, but my parents said that I had had ones at the house as well. Now, my parents, this is, I’m 28 now, about to be 29.
Evan Transue
So we’re going back 23 years. And I want people to really think about how far we’ve come with mental health awareness just in the last five years. Um, you know, bittersweet, but mostly because of the pandemic, right?
Evan Transue
Let alone 23 years ago and where we were at then.
Helen Wills
Hmm. Hmm.
Evan Transue
My parents are great people. They had no idea what was going on, though, when I experienced the symptoms of a panic attack, and we’ll probably break down the symptoms more when we get to the teenage years, because the childhood stuff’s actually very brief.
Helen Wills
Right.
Evan Transue
What we did is we went to a doctor to figure out what the heck all this is and like what’s going on. And then at the time, the doctor who meant, well, I don’t blame this person for that, we actually still know this person to this day, um, they did not diagnose it as a panic attack.
Evan Transue
They told my parents that they thought I was just getting too worked up, you know, just a nervous kid, and then I was going to outgrow this. The problem is, and this is why it segues perfectly already into the teenage years, actually, is it wouldn’t be for another 10 years that I actually got diagnosed with panic attacks, because at five, those things, that’s what I called them, they only happened a few times per month.
Helen Wills
Uh-huh. Right. Hmm.
Evan Transue
And I’m not saying it didn’t suck, but panic attacks are relatively short-lived for most people.
Helen Wills
Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Evan Transue
It’s a 20, 30-minute, very intense experience. Um, and you know, I’m five years old, short attention span. So, yeah, 90 minutes over the course of a month, like it did suck, but I was, I’m a kid.
Helen Wills
Yes.
Evan Transue
I’m just simple-minded. Like as soon as it ended, I’m like onto my next thing. And that’s just how I was used to living life. So.
Helen Wills
Yeah.
Evan Transue
The only reason we knew that it had to be panic attacks at five is because my parents, when I got diagnosed with panic disorder later in life, they said this is the exact, they were a little upset at the time.
Evan Transue
They said, these are the exact symptoms. We came in for 10 years ago and you guys said there was nothing wrong with him and that he was gonna outgrow this.
Helen Wills
Right. Right.
Evan Transue
Um, none of us, including my parents, hold that same resentment now. It was just, we were frustrated in the moment.
Helen Wills
Yeah, sure.
Evan Transue
But yeah, I mean, it was almost 10 years before they started getting very intense and an actual diagnosis was happening.
Helen Wills
Mm. Yeah, I mean, you’re so right because kids just crack on with whatever comes next, don’t they? You more live in the moment, whereas in the teenage years, you’re starting to overthink, you’re starting to worry, you’re starting to wonder what if, you’re analysing who you are, what you’re going to be anyway. So a panic attack must feel even more scary. I’ve had a couple in my lifetime and, ah, the second time I was fine because I knew what it was and it therefore didn’t last very long. But the first time was horrific.
Helen Wills
Ah, and I had people around me offering to call ambulances and I was like I really don’t know what the hell’s going on here and I’m imagining for a parent to watch that in their child if they’ve never had experience of a panic attack themselves and they don’t know what it is, that must be terrifying to watch.
Evan Transue
Yeah.
Helen Wills
Were you aware of your parents’ responses?
Evan Transue
I think I was pretty disconnected from it, um, until like way later in life. And when I say way later, I mean like late teens, 19 years old, early twenties. And I think part of the reason for that is because as the mental health issues got worse and the coping mechanisms started to become.
Helen Wills
Mm.
Evan Transue
You know, very bad, drugs and alcohol and stuff. That’s, I mean, now there’s a relationship strain to that doesn’t really deserve to be there. It has nothing to do with my parents. It’s not a personal thing with me. It’s just, you know, I’m scared about this stuff.
Evan Transue
I’m nervous. I’m embarrassed.
Helen Wills
Mm.
Evan Transue
Um, and I want it to go away. And the ways that I used to or chose to make it go away, and it really didn’t make it go away, just numbed it, um, are not ways that you can tell your parents about when you’re 15, 16.
Helen Wills
Hey.
Evan Transue
You can’t tell your parents about that stuff at any age, let alone 15, 16.
Helen Wills
Right.
Evan Transue
And your point, to your point about like, people are thinking about calling an ambulance around you. So if we can, let’s break this down because if your listeners have not heard this before, that’s where we really separate what is, you know, a teen having a temper tantrum versus what is an actual panic attack?
Evan Transue
So just so you guys know, I’m not a PhD doctor. I’m an experiencer of this stuff who hangs out with counsellors and smart people all the time.
Helen Wills
Right.
Evan Transue
So that’s about it.
Helen Wills
Yeah.
Evan Transue
But if you look this up, this is something you can easily find. Ah, any medical website will have this. Panic attacks are defined with a certain set of characteristics. And one of them is this fear of impending doom that’s actually a listed symptom for a panic attack.
Helen Wills
Okay.
Evan Transue
And you say, well, what the heck does that even mean? Again, if you’ve never experienced it, that’s where it’s almost impossible to register.
Helen Wills
Mm.
Evan Transue
So it’s like, I hope no one’s ever experienced this. But if you have had something in your life where maybe it was a car accident. Maybe it was something else where for a split second, you’re like, oh, whoa, my, you understand the fragility that we have as human beings.
Helen Wills
Mm-hmm.
Evan Transue
Like you understand, I could have actually died there.
Helen Wills
Yeah.
Evan Transue
It’s kind of like that feeling. This would have been 13 years ago. Even if I did have the label for it back then, the pandemic has really lowered a lot of the stigma. And I’ve seen that as a speaker. I know it’s lowered the stigma. Back then, if I had said the words “panic attack,” that wouldn’t have meant a thing to 90% of the kids. It wouldn’t have changed the fact that the word I used in my head—and the word I wouldn’t blame them for using back then—is “this is crazy.” You’re normal one second, and then you’re telling me you’re going to die, and then you’re fine. I would have thought you were either faking it or crazy if I were a teenager.
Helen
Yeah.
Evan Transue
So life felt like this constant stress. There wasn’t one moment of the day that I was enjoying or calm or having fun anymore. I also understand that there are people in life who’ve been through other situations that I would never wish for, so this isn’t a “woe is me” type of thing. I’m just stating the reality of the answer to your question. That panic attack at my friend’s house started a multi-year period where I literally didn’t know. I would have loved to have run the lab tests that I have now—like, was my cortisol just elevated the entire time? I never felt calm. Sleep for me usually came either induced by drugs, or after having my third panic attack of the day. I was so exhausted from it all—this was an adrenaline experience every time—that I just passed out at the end of the panic attack.
Helen
Yes, it’s tiring.
Evan Transue
Yeah, it was hard to comprehend everything, but the first word that came to mind when you asked me… it was just awful.
Helen
Yeah.
Evan Transue
It was awful.
Helen
I’m imagining that it was embarrassing to have that happen in front of people, and that in itself is enough to provoke anxiety. But then you had the added anxiety of never knowing when it might happen, but knowing it could at any moment.
Helen
So, were you self-medicating to stop the panic attacks or just because of generalised anxiety?
Evan Transue
I think it was all of the above, and even more. It was the shame and embarrassment you mentioned. You’re right—I had to cover up that event. If I had just said, “Oh, hi guys, sorry, I have mental health issues,” I don’t think it would have gone over well. My friends loved me, but guys can be rough on each other. We all made fun of each other. And girls, teenagers in general—right? They don’t want to admit anything other than perfection to their friends.
Helen
Yes, they don’t.
Evan Transue
Right. So, I made up these convoluted stories. My friend’s dog was a German Shepherd, so I said, “Yeah, I think I had an allergic reaction to the dog. I just can’t go in the basement anymore.” I never wanted to go in the basement again because I associated that place as a trigger. So that made sense to 14 or 15-year-old guys. They’d say, “Damn dude, that’s scary,” and then we’d move on to the next thing. But the issue was, it was happening at school too, and I had to take 20-minute bathroom breaks. The teacher was mad at me, thinking I was just messing around.
Helen
Mm-hmm.
Evan Transue
I was living these lies. So the drugs came in to hide the panic attacks, yes, but also to hide the depression that started because, and this is very common by the way—those who deal with panic attacks or generalised anxiety, or really any anxiety disorder, are much more likely to develop depression. Some of it is genetically predisposed, but also, when you’re dealing with this stuff every day and feel like you’re not getting ahead, it’s literally depressing.
Helen
Yeah.
Evan Transue
It was the perfect storm. That age, especially between ninth and tenth grade, was when my friends were trying things for the first time. We had a lot of free time that summer. Someone pulled out a joint for the first time, and someone else said, “Hey, they’ve got vodka upstairs. Why don’t we just have a bit of fun?” I was adamantly against it, though. I was a straight-edge kid—a nerd, really.
Helen
Right.
Evan Transue
But as the years went on, and I saw my friends doing it and still alive, I thought, “Well, they look a lot happier than me. I’m not having a good time at all.” So, the first time I smoked pot, not surprisingly, I had an awful panic attack. The second time I smoked, I had another panic attack. By the fourth time, it was so bad that I called my parents, and they didn’t know how to handle it. They had promised me that if anything happened, I could call them and they’d deal with the consequences later, but my safety came first.
Helen
Yeah.
Evan Transue
They didn’t ground me, not because they were clueless, but because they said, “You’re never touching this crap again.” A week later, I did.
Helen
Right.
Evan Transue
And looking back now, I’ve tried to figure out why I did it. A therapist once posed the idea that maybe, since I was already having panic attacks multiple times a day, the drug gave me a false sense of control. At least if I smoked pot, I could choose when it happened. I wasn’t consciously aware of this, but it makes sense in hindsight.
Helen
It makes sense.
Evan Transue
You’re right—it was about control. I couldn’t control the panic attacks, but if I smoked, I could control when they happened. The thing with drugs, especially with something like weed, is that it works for a while. But then it just causes more problems. In the beginning, it brought mild relief for a few months, but then the drugs themselves became a problem. They were masking the underlying issues, but once that wore off, I was left with even bigger issues—mental health problems were worsening under the drugs, and I now had a substance abuse problem.
Helen
Yes.
Evan Transue
The worst decision I ever made was using drugs to cope with these symptoms. It wasn’t even a close second. Drugs work very well initially, and if they didn’t, people wouldn’t keep using them. But eventually, they stop working, and you’re left with more problems than you started with. What started with smoking pot ended up with me illegally taking Xanax, Valium, and other drugs.
Helen
Yes.
Evan Transue
Drugs bring their own problems. They mask what’s underneath, and eventually, you have to deal with both the mental health issues and the substance abuse. As teenagers, we don’t take it seriously because we’ve been told, “Don’t do drugs. You’ll build a tolerance, you’ll want to do harder stuff.” That’s what happened to me. I started with smoking pot, and within a year, I was using prescription drugs to cope.
Helen
Yes.
Evan Transue
No matter how long I did that, one, I could have died, and two, there’s going to come a time where you have to fix the problems that come from using drugs, or you’ll succumb to them, and that’s awful. You’re going to have to face the problems from the drugs, and when you do, you’ll realise the mental health issues never went away. They’re worse than ever before, and you still have to deal with them.
Helen
Yes.
Evan Transue
That’s why it was the worst decision.
Helen
That makes complete sense. I’ve done some work with people in addiction, and we always ask, “What does the drug or alcohol do for you?” Because it’s always doing something valuable, or something the person feels is useful, until it stops being useful, and that’s when they have to confront what they were avoiding in the first place.
Evan Transue
Yeah, and that’s tough at any age—whether you’re 15, 55, or 75. I’ve met people of all ages who’ve dealt with this and then decided to do something about it. One of the first steps is getting an accurate diagnosis. Some people don’t like being labelled with any type of mental health issue, and that’s fine, but a diagnosis can help us figure out what the problem is so we can start working on a solution.
Helen
Yeah.
Evan Transue
I don’t know what my life would have looked like had I gotten a proper diagnosis at five. Would I have ended up on prescription medications that created long-term side effects? Maybe. But we need to identify the problem and its causes before we can find a solution.
Helen
Yeah, absolutely.
Evan Transue
Some people hate the idea of being labelled with a mental health issue. But I think we need to grow out of that. As someone who shares their story publicly, I wish people would judge me for it now. Every time I share my story, I get people reaching out to me on Facebook or Instagram.
Helen:
So tell us, once you figured out what was going on and realised that you needed to do something about the coping strategies you were using, how did you start to get better and manage the panic and anxiety?
Evan Transue:
Yeah, well, first, and this is important for me to say to parents, because I think they sometimes wonder, “What am I doing wrong? Why is this not working?” There’s a lot of self-blame.
Listen, I’m sure we can all be better parents, we can all be better people, but there’s no standard where you reach a 100% level of parenting, right?
Helen:
Exactly.
Evan Transue:
So it’s not to say that there can’t be things that are done better, but I need to say this: the healing journey for me started with immense pain. I went through a four-month period when I was 18. Between 17 and 18, I got kicked out of school. I spent my 18th birthday on house arrest, and I went to juvenile detention for a short period. The person I thought I was going to marry one day finally had enough because of what I was doing, which was justified. She stuck with me for a while, but she eventually left. I don’t know if it was her leaving or if that was the icing on the cake, but I needed that pain to change.
It was so bad. I remember sitting there, barely into the new year in January 2014, reflecting on my life. I had lost the person who had had my back through everything. I had pushed her away. I didn’t have a high school diploma in a school with a 99% graduation rate. Some schools in America have graduation rates as low as 80%, but mine was 99%. You don’t not graduate from there. I wasn’t even graduated from that school, and I now had a criminal record. I was living in a wonderful area, privileged to grow up there, and now I had a criminal record. I was thinking, “What are you doing?” I realised if I didn’t change, nothing was going to get better. I needed to take responsibility for things, not necessarily because they were my fault, but because what I was doing was hurting other people. I was affecting my parents, my friends, and my high school girlfriend.
Helen:
Hmm.
Evan Transue:
This wasn’t okay. So, that drive to change started there. I didn’t know how to get better, but I knew I needed to figure something out because this was no way to live. That decision, even though I didn’t know how it would look, was the turning point. I had read in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho that when you make a decision, the universe conspires to help make it happen. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know that when I decided to get better, without knowing how, things started to shift.
Helen:
Yeah, I get what you mean.
Evan Transue:
It’s like the reticular activating system—when you decide you want to buy a red car, all of a sudden you start seeing red cars everywhere. When you make a decision to improve, you start seeing things that contribute to that goal. So I found myself a better group of friends. That was the first thing. Many of them turned out great, and I’m still close to them now. I couldn’t be around people anymore who thought the best weekend was getting high all day until curfew.
Helen:
Right.
Evan Transue:
That’s not a way to live. So I found a group focused on personal development. In the same six-month period, I went from sitting in juvenile detention to reading personal development books and hanging out with this new community. It was the ultimate switch-up. I started taking care of my health, something I’m hugely passionate about now, with functional medicine and holistic health. I needed to start treating my body like a temple. I couldn’t keep thinking of it as something that would just be here forever.
Helen:
Yeah.
Evan Transue:
Whether you’re a teenager or an adult, you can’t eat junk all day and expect to have optimal mental health. That’s never going to work. No matter what caused your mental health issues, whether it was trauma or not, eating that type of food will not support your mental health.
Helen:
Hmm.
Evan Transue:
I started trying everything, but the group therapy was key. Even though I was hesitant at first, being around people who didn’t judge me for my past and saw me for who I was choosing to be now and in the future was crucial.
Helen:
Mm.
Evan Transue:
I needed people who weren’t anchoring me to the past. They were no longer reminding me of the mistakes I had made. I needed that fresh start, where they said, “I don’t care what you did six months ago. I want to know what you’re doing today and where you’re going six months from now.” That helped me reframe my identity from thinking I was a loser to realising I was a winner. I just hadn’t got there yet, and I needed to take the steps to get there.
Helen:
Yes, that’s a really powerful shift.
Evan Transue:
It was a shift. Now, for parents listening, if their child isn’t at the stage I was describing – when their child isn’t ready to make a change – it’s important to remember that kids don’t like being told what to do, especially as they get older and more independent. So, what can those parents do?
Helen:
Exactly. It’s challenging when your child isn’t yet at the point where they realise they need to change.
Evan Transue:
This is a frequent question I get, especially when I speak to parents. I never want to lie to them, so here’s the reality: a 17-year-old is not an adult, but they’re fully capable of making their own decisions. There are genetic components that predispose people to mental health issues, and some people are just genetically inclined to be disagreeable. They might not comply with authority figures, no matter how good the parenting is.
Helen:
Right.
Evan Transue:
That doesn’t mean you should give up. But it does mean you need to recognise that your child is capable of making their own decisions. And I know it’s hard, but it’s not a moral failing of the parent. If your 18-year-old makes a mistake, the law recognises their ability to make decisions and takes legal action accordingly. Whether that’s right or wrong is another conversation, but it’s the reality.
Helen:
Yes, that’s true.
Evan Transue:
So, what can you do? First, be an open door. Don’t let them get away with anything, but let them know that even if they do something stupid, you’ll love them in the moment. Deal with the consequences later. It’s about preventing the scarier situations. If your child is in trouble and they’re scared to tell you because of the consequences, they might not come to you when things get really dangerous.
Helen:
That makes sense.
Evan Transue:
Second, you don’t need to fully understand mental health, but don’t dismiss your child’s experience. My dad, who’s a wonderful person, didn’t understand depression. He thought if you weren’t lying in bed all day, you couldn’t be depressed. That was his definition. But he didn’t dismiss me maliciously; he just didn’t understand. If a parent shows even a little disbelief, it makes the child shut down.
Helen:
Yes, absolutely.
Evan Transue:
So, even if you don’t understand it, ask questions and be curious. Don’t shut down the conversation. That’s where real change can start.
Helen:
Yes, that’s really good advice. Sometimes, it’s about listening and believing their experience, even if you don’t fully understand it yourself.
Evan Transue:
Exactly. You don’t need to have all the answers, but showing you’re open to listening and understanding can make all the difference.
Helen:
Thank you, Evan. That was such a great insight into how parents can help and support their children.
Evan Transue:
Of course, thank you for having me.
Helen:
So tell us, once you figured out what was going on and realised that you needed to do something about the coping strategies you were using, how did you start to get better and manage the panic and anxiety?
Evan Transue:
Yeah, well, first, and this is important for me to say to parents, because I think they sometimes wonder, “What am I doing wrong? Why is this not working?” There’s a lot of self-blame.
Listen, I’m sure we can all be better parents, we can all be better people, but there’s no standard where you reach a 100% level of parenting, right?
Helen:
Exactly.
Evan Transue:
So it’s not to say that there can’t be things that are done better, but I need to say this: the healing journey for me started with immense pain. I went through a four-month period when I was 18. Between 17 and 18, I got kicked out of school. I spent my 18th birthday on house arrest, and I went to juvenile detention for a short period. The person I thought I was going to marry one day finally had enough because of what I was doing, which was justified. She stuck with me for a while, but she eventually left. I don’t know if it was her leaving or if that was the icing on the cake, but I needed that pain to change.
It was so bad. I remember sitting there, barely into the new year in January 2014, reflecting on my life. I had lost the person who had had my back through everything. I had pushed her away. I didn’t have a high school diploma in a school with a 99% graduation rate. Some schools in America have graduation rates as low as 80%, but mine was 99%. You don’t not graduate from there. I wasn’t even graduated from that school, and I now had a criminal record. I was living in a wonderful area, privileged to grow up there, and now I had a criminal record. I was thinking, “What are you doing?” I realised if I didn’t change, nothing was going to get better. I needed to take responsibility for things, not necessarily because they were my fault, but because what I was doing was hurting other people. I was affecting my parents, my friends, and my high school girlfriend.
Helen:
Hmm.
Evan Transue:
This wasn’t okay. So, that drive to change started there. I didn’t know how to get better, but I knew I needed to figure something out because this was no way to live. That decision, even though I didn’t know how it would look, was the turning point. I had read in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho that when you make a decision, the universe conspires to help make it happen. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know that when I decided to get better, without knowing how, things started to shift.
Helen:
Yeah, I get what you mean.
Evan Transue:
It’s like the reticular activating system—when you decide you want to buy a red car, all of a sudden you start seeing red cars everywhere. When you make a decision to improve, you start seeing things that contribute to that goal. So I found myself a better group of friends. That was the first thing. Many of them turned out great, and I’m still close to them now. I couldn’t be around people anymore who thought the best weekend was getting high all day until curfew.
Helen:
Right.
Evan Transue:
That’s not a way to live. So I found a group focused on personal development. In the same six-month period, I went from sitting in juvenile detention to reading personal development books and hanging out with this new community. It was the ultimate switch-up. I started taking care of my health, something I’m hugely passionate about now, with functional medicine and holistic health. I needed to start treating my body like a temple. I couldn’t keep thinking of it as something that would just be here forever.
Helen:
Yeah.
Evan Transue:
Whether you’re a teenager or an adult, you can’t eat junk all day and expect to have optimal mental health. That’s never going to work. No matter what caused your mental health issues, whether it was trauma or not, eating that type of food will not support your mental health.
Helen:
Hmm.
Evan Transue:
I started trying everything, but the group therapy was key. Even though I was hesitant at first, being around people who didn’t judge me for my past and saw me for who I was choosing to be now and in the future was crucial.
Helen:
Mm.
Evan Transue:
I needed people who weren’t anchoring me to the past. They were no longer reminding me of the mistakes I had made. I needed that fresh start, where they said, “I don’t care what you did six months ago. I want to know what you’re doing today and where you’re going six months from now.” That helped me reframe my identity from thinking I was a loser to realising I was a winner. I just hadn’t got there yet, and I needed to take the steps to get there.
Helen:
Yes, that’s a really powerful shift.
Evan Transue:
It was a shift. Now, for parents listening, if their child isn’t at the stage I was describing – when their child isn’t ready to make a change – it’s important to remember that kids don’t like being told what to do, especially as they get older and more independent. So, what can those parents do?
Helen:
Exactly. It’s challenging when your child isn’t yet at the point where they realise they need to change.
Evan Transue:
This is a frequent question I get, especially when I speak to parents. I never want to lie to them, so here’s the reality: a 17-year-old is not an adult, but they’re fully capable of making their own decisions. There are genetic components that predispose people to mental health issues, and some people are just genetically inclined to be disagreeable. They might not comply with authority figures, no matter how good the parenting is.
Helen:
Right.
Evan Transue:
That doesn’t mean you should give up. But it does mean you need to recognise that your child is capable of making their own decisions. And I know it’s hard, but it’s not a moral failing of the parent. If your 18-year-old makes a mistake, the law recognises their ability to make decisions and takes legal action accordingly. Whether that’s right or wrong is another conversation, but it’s the reality.
Helen:
Yes, that’s true.
Evan Transue:
So, what can you do? First, be an open door. Don’t let them get away with anything, but let them know that even if they do something stupid, you’ll love them in the moment. Deal with the consequences later. It’s about preventing the scarier situations. If your child is in trouble and they’re scared to tell you because of the consequences, they might not come to you when things get really dangerous.
Helen:
That makes sense.
Evan Transue:
Second, you don’t need to fully understand mental health, but don’t dismiss your child’s experience. My dad, who’s a wonderful person, didn’t understand depression. He thought if you weren’t lying in bed all day, you couldn’t be depressed. That was his definition. But he didn’t dismiss me maliciously; he just didn’t understand. If a parent shows even a little disbelief, it makes the child shut down.
Helen:
Yes, absolutely.
Evan Transue:
So, even if you don’t understand it, ask questions and be curious. Don’t shut down the conversation. That’s where real change can start.
Helen:
Yes, that’s really good advice. Sometimes, it’s about listening and believing their experience, even if you don’t fully understand it yourself.
Evan Transue:
Exactly. You don’t need to have all the answers, but showing you’re open to listening and understanding can make all the difference.
Helen:
Thank you, Evan. That was such a great insight into how parents can help and support their children.
Evan Transue:
Of course, thank you for having me.